"It's not you, It's me."

Sometimes I wonder am I living in a blessing or is God taking this moment in my life to be a big lesson? My question to Him would have to be why? Why would he let it be this long? Why now? Why me.
As I match the puzzle pieces together it starts to have reasoning. Four years ago, if you told me that today my father wouldn't be an alcoholic and my misery finally went free, I wouldn't believe it.
Pain and struggle I feel like I've adjusted to it throughout the years so this is all new to me. Feels good, to be honest. On the other hand, I'm scared to loose the person that helped me make it through it all. My right hand, my best friend.
For so long I was told "All Men Are Dogs", and sadly I felt like that statement was so true. Thankfully I was proven wrong. Call me crazy, but I think in life all you need is that one friend. That one person to be there through thick and thin, your partner. For some reason I felt like I had mine. Turns out it's just a one woman show .. It hurts. I hate to regret, but lately I just wish I never met this person. If this is how I was going to end up feeling I wish I would've walked away in time to not grow feelings. At this point, I just don't know what to feel anymore. I'm scared to feel; I'd bend my back for him ... and now I just feel my soul feeling so empty inside. Almost like walking into a cold cemetery at night.

Having high hopes ... man sometimes I wish God made me heartless. I'm not happy anymore. My smile feels so faked, my laughs aren't sincere and I'm so confused. I wish I had fucking answers.
God, please. I beg you, please take this pain away from my heart.

My dream is to wake up one day and just have him love me the way I love him. I want that ring, that commitment. I want to be his. I want so many things and my dreams are to be with him. But I'm not his dream. I'm just not good enough. As much as it hurts to swallow and accept the truth I just hope that God takes my pain away and just makes sure I don't wake up tomorrow. I pray and I pray. I have no purpose anymore. I am not wanted. I just want to go. Let him start a new life and to make sure I don't ruin it, I want to die because I am already dead inside.