Not a Happy Thanksgiving ..

So Thanksgiving is almost over in a couple of minutes and can you believe I've been away from my family most of my afternoon and in my room the whole night waiting to watch a "movie" just because I wanted us to spend a few hours together on this family gathering holiday ...

In total I've watched XFactor which I never tuned into the season but since I was left with nothing to do I decided to watch that, then my boredom drifted to my computer and watching random YouTube video's till this very moment. Still ... no movie. To be honest I wasn't even in a movie mood to begin with because today just is not my day but because it IS thanksgiving day I wanted to do something with my boyfriend since my sister spent the whole day with her fiance I thought to myself, "Hey, let me watch a movie with my babe".
Apparently there was no service .... but you got my angry text and responded to it .... right.

Why am I so uptight about this? I know he's not cheating, at least I hope. My thing is .. this was the EXACT reason I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. It is my biggest pet peeve when shit like this happens. It makes me feel like I'm the rebound the your boredom, ON TOP OF THAT his mother has yet to know anything about me .. I'm over here bending my back trying to see how I can get a way into his sisters heart also with his mother ... Is it too much wanting to have a relationship with his family? It's just 2 people and it seems like the whole world. In a way this lagging of him trying to get this done just makes things worse in my position and it just makes me feel like there's something about me he want's to hide from them? I've spoken about this before and I just can't seem to comprehend the difficulty in this. If anything I'm the one who should feel embarrassed and guilty and ashamed and sorry and everything in the book but this wait is draining my confidence everyday longer it takes.

My love is so invested in him and only him that it hurts my heart so bad just thinking of him hurting me.

Ugh, this is by far the worst Thanksgiving ever.

For some reason somethings telling me this isn't going to work ... :'(

Well, I have work tomorrow ... sleeping by myself tonight. Goodnight!

Hormones Overload

Okay so ENOUGH with all my emotional girl gone crazy posts! I'm just so freaking emotional and so tired and so sick and so DONE!
Let's go back into reality and realize that life goes on and I won't always have bad days.
On another note, I'm makeup deprived and I just need a spa day to myself. Nothing makes a girl more happier than feeling beautiful, at least for me. I love having my nails done, my hair done, my eyebrows well groomed and just feeling like a Queen!

Wait .......

Good feeling gone, I'm hungry .. and I want ice cream.

In real life, I have work tomorrow ..

Goodnight luvs! Muah xoxo

Princess to Trash

Must I say more? ..

In-laws

On a roll tonight with another question that's been on my mind for so long and I can't seem to shake it off. Although we've talked about it before and I have mentioned it to him many times I feel like I was sugar coated a Popsicle stick from Charlie's Chocolate Factory and my instincts just don't seem to buy it.
My question is ..

"Do you think your sister and mom will really like me?"

The answer I always seem to get is yes they will ... they're certain types of people and "blah blah blah" and your marrying me, not them. That statement right there tells me the mother has no other option than to deal with me since you have feelings for me but other than that she must really think I'm a phony bitch and just doesn't like me. Now on the sisters other half .. I just feel like whatever grain of connection I had with her is all gone. Now I'm left with nothing ..
Why does this bother me? Because I want that relationship with the most important people in your lives .. When I marry you, I marry them too. I haven't met both of them, only one of them know about me so far and I just don't feel accepted at all. Meanwhile my whole family is on board and love him.

Why me? ...

In a relationship with "ghost boyfriend".

Why does something so simple have to be so difficult? Sometimes I take a guess and blame it on my past but must he really just react that way for something that's important to me? I don't know whether to be pissed off or just let it go like he says ...
I don't care if he doesn't follow me on instagram or twitter or tumblr or whatever really .. but facebook? What couple doesn't have each other on facebook? Like I take that as the biggest sign of something being wrong. I don't know exactly what it is .. but him just being 100% truthfully honest just keeps making me more doubtful and makes me more sad.
Like I just don't know how to honestly feel about it anymore ...

Don't mistake my blog post as throwing shade towards him.

This blog was created to express my inner thoughts where I wish to tell someone other than him and I literally have no one to talk to. Just me, myself, and I. Sometimes keeping all my thoughts in my head tend to eat me alive.
In the end apparently I'm in a relationship by myself on facebook and the boyfriend whom I so happy talk about on my page is a ghost and will forever be a ghost because he refuses to add me as a friend because he never goes on his page. Fucking perfect.

Filled with tears ..

I don't know whether I'm depressed or just tired?
I'm starting a new chapter Monday finally but instead of relieving my stress I just seem to keep adding more and more unnecessary stress to myself. My question to myself is why? Everyone knows the logical phrase of "one step at a time" so why am I throwing hundreds of pounds into my mind? All because I can't take it anymore, just because I need you and once I have you I don't want to let you go another day without being by my side every night. Am I wrong? I've been waiting for so long .. it's only fair. But is it realistic? I just close my eyes and can just feel how close I am to finally being so happy in my life. The feeling is so beautiful I can't stand thinking that building our home and stabilizing ourselves can take up to another 4-5 years ... I just want a sense of security. I want to know that all this that I'm feeling is true and that soon enough we'll have it all figured out. I cry because I hope to one day to finally have a place I can call home and not fear of alcohol abuse, always arguing with my family, just so feeling unhappy. If it means living in a tiny apartment with regular jobs just enough for all of our bills ... in the end all I care about is him. It makes me cry so much because God is the only person in this universe who truly understands how I feel about Edgar. I'd give him my heart, my lungs, my kidneys, my liver, anything I have in this world I'd give to him. I can't even go to a baby section in a store seeing all those pregnant women .. I'd give anything to be in their shoes right now with him.
For a moment I pictured what May 2014 is going to look like for us ... I couldn't help but burst out crying. I think the moment I pick him up at the train station I'm going to run towards him and just cry in his arms. That moment is going to feel so surreal to me.

.......

All I want to do is just cry right now. I need to let it all out. Too much bottled up.

Tears don't make you weak, just shows how strong you've been holding it all in.

Forever yours ..

I'm seriously happier than a little kid at a Candy Store! God has officially answered my prayers! I am his, and he is now mine. I seriously just fell in love again. We will forever celebrate and recognize 5/14/09 but now its time to embark 9/29/13. Our fresh beginning, new journey, new us. We've grown up together, struggled together, cried together, hated together, laughed together, and now its time for the new step. Let the happiness begin, I'm happy and awed! I'm madly in love with you amor.


5/14/09 + 9/29/13 = Forever

Will you still love me? ...

I'm that kind of girl who wants her cake done her way and she'll eat it too. Right now we're at the stage of adjusting and accepting and I'm so eager to be accepted flawed and all and just want it all to be official. What's the wait? I know the reason, but just the thought of it kills me.
I mean, am I wrong for finally wanting to tell the world how I feel? Finally feel free to express my emotions and flaunt my future promise ring? I can't wait for the day I show off my "promise ring". I want to show the world I'm his only and he's mine. Words can't express how deeply in love I am. I love this guy, and I know for certain I will never love anyone like I love him & I know deep down he feels the same with me. I'm his princess!

5/14/09

Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-love-25-awesome-scripture-quotes/#ixzz2g3FdyACk

Not giving up

My head is throbbing, my body aches and if you let me sleep alone in the dark all day I would've taken you up on that offer. Above all, I think I've managed to deal with today. I'm still eating, did my exercise and now I'm going to watch a movie with him. It's times like these that make me thankful to have him by my side.

Thank you 

"It's not you, It's me."

Sometimes I wonder am I living in a blessing or is God taking this moment in my life to be a big lesson? My question to Him would have to be why? Why would he let it be this long? Why now? Why me.
As I match the puzzle pieces together it starts to have reasoning. Four years ago, if you told me that today my father wouldn't be an alcoholic and my misery finally went free, I wouldn't believe it.
Pain and struggle I feel like I've adjusted to it throughout the years so this is all new to me. Feels good, to be honest. On the other hand, I'm scared to loose the person that helped me make it through it all. My right hand, my best friend.
For so long I was told "All Men Are Dogs", and sadly I felt like that statement was so true. Thankfully I was proven wrong. Call me crazy, but I think in life all you need is that one friend. That one person to be there through thick and thin, your partner. For some reason I felt like I had mine. Turns out it's just a one woman show .. It hurts. I hate to regret, but lately I just wish I never met this person. If this is how I was going to end up feeling I wish I would've walked away in time to not grow feelings. At this point, I just don't know what to feel anymore. I'm scared to feel; I'd bend my back for him ... and now I just feel my soul feeling so empty inside. Almost like walking into a cold cemetery at night.

Having high hopes ... man sometimes I wish God made me heartless. I'm not happy anymore. My smile feels so faked, my laughs aren't sincere and I'm so confused. I wish I had fucking answers.
God, please. I beg you, please take this pain away from my heart.

My dream is to wake up one day and just have him love me the way I love him. I want that ring, that commitment. I want to be his. I want so many things and my dreams are to be with him. But I'm not his dream. I'm just not good enough. As much as it hurts to swallow and accept the truth I just hope that God takes my pain away and just makes sure I don't wake up tomorrow. I pray and I pray. I have no purpose anymore. I am not wanted. I just want to go. Let him start a new life and to make sure I don't ruin it, I want to die because I am already dead inside.

Time

Have you ever wondered why from a certain period of your lifetime till now things have changed drastically? Why is that when you go through a rough time, the pain you went through before doesn't seem to compare. Is it because as you grow reality hits the fan; or is it being depressed and feeling anxious normal to our society in our world today.

Maybe, just maybe ... time can soothe the pain, but it could also eat you alive.
Leaving you feeling lost, sometimes hopeless.
Which leaves us with faith. We can choose to fight the battle ourselves, or ask for guidance .. from Him.

"I've got a War in my mind, so I just ride" - Lana Del Rey